Birthdays and Superbowls...

Well in a surprise the Giants won. I should of watched the game. It appears they scored in the very last bit. D18 was playing his play station though and i didn't want to disturb him.

My 35 birthday came and went without much going on. I went to Taco Bell with my friend Adeline. We rented a movie and then watched it at her house. After i came home and talked with Daddy then to bed. We did have a little birthday thing on Friday night. Bill came by and brought cake and ice cream. We cooked pirogies and bacon. He got me a new DVD player. Mine was first generation that was huge and old and very finicky. D18 got me a blue fairy and D14 got me a tea cup that in the bottom says "Your soul is a good one. I know it when i see it shine in your eyes." I use it every day!

Mum forgot my birthday completely. Last year she had D14 to remind her. This year it came and went like any ordinary day to her. At this point there is no point in bringing it up to her. She would feel badly that she forgot. I don't wan to hurt her although it hurts me that she forgot.

Daddy said he mailed my things on Friday to me. He said i will receive the Sim games i wanted and 4 other things. He told me that he already told me what they are however i have no idea... i forget things. I'm excited though. I love getting mailed things from him. Even notes are good - although those don't come.

He makes me smile. He makes me happy. I have never had anyone in my life that knows me better then i know me. Our relationship is different. Being owned by him.. its perfect. Once he told me that the love will be different.. the relationship different then being married. It is. The love is stronger - more ... complete. Being owned is different then being married. It's again a stronger bond. I love to make him happy.. i love to see his smile.. and hear his laugh! I love the way he loves me. :)

He says its only going to get better once i go home to him. I cannot wait for that day!

I told him that i think sparklies would be great for valentines day this year. I love sparklies although i never get them. They are expensive even if they are pretty. Odd how the only sparklies i have received were rings from previous relationships that are stashed away. Perhaps one day i will sell them as they have no value to me any longer.

He told me once that he looks at his grandmothers ring - a ring that he said one day would be on my hand. I wonder about it. What it looks like. How it would look. Will i cry when he does give it to me? Will he make is so special?

The first was thrown up to me as i stood on the balcony. He came home from the military on a weekend pass with his buddy (who was a girl whom in later years told me i didn't know how to satisfy him at all - nasty woman she was) All he said was "Here you have been whining for it so have it." For the record i never whined for the ring.

The other was given to me on a dinner out at valentines day. When i saw him do that i tried to pull my hand away. I didn't cry that day. I did however feel more trapped then i had ever felt up to that point. How do you say no to a guy whom you fear? Simple, you don't say no. To be honest.. i never liked the ring. But i never lost it - even though many days i wanted to toss it down the sink.

...................

He contacted D18 via email recently. The day after my birthday however D18 didnt check his mail until this past weekend. He did the I miss you guys and im proud of you crap that he always does. But one sentence (in his poor grammer/english skills) stood out. "maybe one day mom will feel like she can talk to me witch would be so nice. because i have questions.." That scares me to the bone! After 2.5 years he still has the grudge. I should know better.. he holds grudges better then anyone i have ever known!

Since that email i have been waking up in the middle of the night in a full out panic attack. Once i dreampt he was choking me and i woke up and could not breathe. I hate being alone when those come. I so wish i was not here by myself. I have not had them in awhile. Their scary. I get up and go check all the doors. Including the front door. I walk around the house a bit. Sit and read CNN. Then fall back into a coma eventually.

I have to get up in the morning.. i should go to bed....