It's been a busy day and I'm seriously done in. Ran around the office. Then to see mum. Then to take the long drive home in the middle of a snow storm. I swear this city does not even send the trucks out until there is 4" on the ground already. Even the main highway was cluttered with snow/slush. Made driving very hard...and long.
Daddy is sick. He even stayed home today. I didn't get to talk to him much today because of it. Still makes me want to be home even more to make sure he's taken care of right. I hate it when he's sick and I'm too far to do anything but talk to him when he feels like calling. Yes he says I'll have years of taking good care of him.. but it's not the same..... so not the same.
A friend and I were talking of how i need a vacation. That friend made me laugh with this comment:
"You seriously need white sandy beaches, warm tropic breezes and fruity drinks with a shit load of rum in them (in the shade please, redheads go *poof* in strong tropic sun) served by well-toned cabana boys."
What made me laugh was the redheads go poof in the sun. Ya... that we do! I can remember the first time Daddy took me to FL. He went and got sunscreen in the tune of SPF 50+ and had me put it on every time i was going to be out there longer then a few minutes.
Even that thought makes me smile. Was the first time i spent an extended time with Daddy. Was the first time i saw the girls. We rented this totally amazing place on the beach! I so look forward to finding more amazing beach places. I saw the gulf for the first time.
.... I even received my first spanking and later was the first time i cried in front of Daddy.
*big smiles*
Was a great vacation.
Well I'm going to get to bed. Put my ocean sounds on and dream of happy times.
Ni ni
Wednesday, February 6
Monday, February 4
Good Days
I have had a few good days at work lately. I have been moved back to my quality department. My new boss seems nice and she has been really easy to work with. Going to work is not so much a chore anymore - it is however still work.
Today i printed my cover letter and CV to be mailed to Insight Communications in the US. We'll see how that goes. I honestly do not expect much as i require so much documentation to live and work there. I honestly do not see a company wishing to invest so much just to get a worker there.
I miss my daddy today. More so today then the other days. I miss how he smells... how he sounds when he's right here. The little .... sounds he makes. We all make sounds. I have been told i hum when I'm content. Must be a nice sound - i don't know i don't even notice I'm doing it.
I'm nearly finished my one sock money too. I would of finished it tonight if i got home before 7pm. Such is life of a mum.... i spend time going from work to mum to home then carting kids around in the evening.
My brother called tonight. He wants to go with me to see mum on Friday. He's gonna meet me at work then we'll go over together. I'm not sure what he is expecting. Usually dinner hour is a quiet time where i help her cut her food up and then chat as she eats her dinner. We'll see what the meeting brings.
Had another unsettled sleep last night. Kept having dreams of PH showing up and waiting for me in the parking garage. The running after me as i went back into the building to get help. Dreams of him coming right into my work demanding answers. Dreams of him catching me on the stairs ..... no fun at all. Makes for a tired littleone at the start and very end of the day.
But tonight I'm gonna dream of sock monkeys and cake and being safe within my daddy's arms so i can sleep really good tonight.
:)
Today i printed my cover letter and CV to be mailed to Insight Communications in the US. We'll see how that goes. I honestly do not expect much as i require so much documentation to live and work there. I honestly do not see a company wishing to invest so much just to get a worker there.
I miss my daddy today. More so today then the other days. I miss how he smells... how he sounds when he's right here. The little .... sounds he makes. We all make sounds. I have been told i hum when I'm content. Must be a nice sound - i don't know i don't even notice I'm doing it.
I'm nearly finished my one sock money too. I would of finished it tonight if i got home before 7pm. Such is life of a mum.... i spend time going from work to mum to home then carting kids around in the evening.
My brother called tonight. He wants to go with me to see mum on Friday. He's gonna meet me at work then we'll go over together. I'm not sure what he is expecting. Usually dinner hour is a quiet time where i help her cut her food up and then chat as she eats her dinner. We'll see what the meeting brings.
Had another unsettled sleep last night. Kept having dreams of PH showing up and waiting for me in the parking garage. The running after me as i went back into the building to get help. Dreams of him coming right into my work demanding answers. Dreams of him catching me on the stairs ..... no fun at all. Makes for a tired littleone at the start and very end of the day.
But tonight I'm gonna dream of sock monkeys and cake and being safe within my daddy's arms so i can sleep really good tonight.
:)
Sunday, February 3
Birthdays and Superbowls...
Well in a surprise the Giants won. I should of watched the game. It appears they scored in the very last bit. D18 was playing his play station though and i didn't want to disturb him.
My 35 birthday came and went without much going on. I went to Taco Bell with my friend Adeline. We rented a movie and then watched it at her house. After i came home and talked with Daddy then to bed. We did have a little birthday thing on Friday night. Bill came by and brought cake and ice cream. We cooked pirogies and bacon. He got me a new DVD player. Mine was first generation that was huge and old and very finicky. D18 got me a blue fairy and D14 got me a tea cup that in the bottom says "Your soul is a good one. I know it when i see it shine in your eyes." I use it every day!
Mum forgot my birthday completely. Last year she had D14 to remind her. This year it came and went like any ordinary day to her. At this point there is no point in bringing it up to her. She would feel badly that she forgot. I don't wan to hurt her although it hurts me that she forgot.
Daddy said he mailed my things on Friday to me. He said i will receive the Sim games i wanted and 4 other things. He told me that he already told me what they are however i have no idea... i forget things. I'm excited though. I love getting mailed things from him. Even notes are good - although those don't come.
He makes me smile. He makes me happy. I have never had anyone in my life that knows me better then i know me. Our relationship is different. Being owned by him.. its perfect. Once he told me that the love will be different.. the relationship different then being married. It is. The love is stronger - more ... complete. Being owned is different then being married. It's again a stronger bond. I love to make him happy.. i love to see his smile.. and hear his laugh! I love the way he loves me. :)
He says its only going to get better once i go home to him. I cannot wait for that day!
I told him that i think sparklies would be great for valentines day this year. I love sparklies although i never get them. They are expensive even if they are pretty. Odd how the only sparklies i have received were rings from previous relationships that are stashed away. Perhaps one day i will sell them as they have no value to me any longer.
He told me once that he looks at his grandmothers ring - a ring that he said one day would be on my hand. I wonder about it. What it looks like. How it would look. Will i cry when he does give it to me? Will he make is so special?
The first was thrown up to me as i stood on the balcony. He came home from the military on a weekend pass with his buddy (who was a girl whom in later years told me i didn't know how to satisfy him at all - nasty woman she was) All he said was "Here you have been whining for it so have it." For the record i never whined for the ring.
The other was given to me on a dinner out at valentines day. When i saw him do that i tried to pull my hand away. I didn't cry that day. I did however feel more trapped then i had ever felt up to that point. How do you say no to a guy whom you fear? Simple, you don't say no. To be honest.. i never liked the ring. But i never lost it - even though many days i wanted to toss it down the sink.
...................
He contacted D18 via email recently. The day after my birthday however D18 didnt check his mail until this past weekend. He did the I miss you guys and im proud of you crap that he always does. But one sentence (in his poor grammer/english skills) stood out. "maybe one day mom will feel like she can talk to me witch would be so nice. because i have questions.." That scares me to the bone! After 2.5 years he still has the grudge. I should know better.. he holds grudges better then anyone i have ever known!
Since that email i have been waking up in the middle of the night in a full out panic attack. Once i dreampt he was choking me and i woke up and could not breathe. I hate being alone when those come. I so wish i was not here by myself. I have not had them in awhile. Their scary. I get up and go check all the doors. Including the front door. I walk around the house a bit. Sit and read CNN. Then fall back into a coma eventually.
I have to get up in the morning.. i should go to bed....
My 35 birthday came and went without much going on. I went to Taco Bell with my friend Adeline. We rented a movie and then watched it at her house. After i came home and talked with Daddy then to bed. We did have a little birthday thing on Friday night. Bill came by and brought cake and ice cream. We cooked pirogies and bacon. He got me a new DVD player. Mine was first generation that was huge and old and very finicky. D18 got me a blue fairy and D14 got me a tea cup that in the bottom says "Your soul is a good one. I know it when i see it shine in your eyes." I use it every day!
Mum forgot my birthday completely. Last year she had D14 to remind her. This year it came and went like any ordinary day to her. At this point there is no point in bringing it up to her. She would feel badly that she forgot. I don't wan to hurt her although it hurts me that she forgot.
Daddy said he mailed my things on Friday to me. He said i will receive the Sim games i wanted and 4 other things. He told me that he already told me what they are however i have no idea... i forget things. I'm excited though. I love getting mailed things from him. Even notes are good - although those don't come.
He makes me smile. He makes me happy. I have never had anyone in my life that knows me better then i know me. Our relationship is different. Being owned by him.. its perfect. Once he told me that the love will be different.. the relationship different then being married. It is. The love is stronger - more ... complete. Being owned is different then being married. It's again a stronger bond. I love to make him happy.. i love to see his smile.. and hear his laugh! I love the way he loves me. :)
He says its only going to get better once i go home to him. I cannot wait for that day!
I told him that i think sparklies would be great for valentines day this year. I love sparklies although i never get them. They are expensive even if they are pretty. Odd how the only sparklies i have received were rings from previous relationships that are stashed away. Perhaps one day i will sell them as they have no value to me any longer.
He told me once that he looks at his grandmothers ring - a ring that he said one day would be on my hand. I wonder about it. What it looks like. How it would look. Will i cry when he does give it to me? Will he make is so special?
The first was thrown up to me as i stood on the balcony. He came home from the military on a weekend pass with his buddy (who was a girl whom in later years told me i didn't know how to satisfy him at all - nasty woman she was) All he said was "Here you have been whining for it so have it." For the record i never whined for the ring.
The other was given to me on a dinner out at valentines day. When i saw him do that i tried to pull my hand away. I didn't cry that day. I did however feel more trapped then i had ever felt up to that point. How do you say no to a guy whom you fear? Simple, you don't say no. To be honest.. i never liked the ring. But i never lost it - even though many days i wanted to toss it down the sink.
...................
He contacted D18 via email recently. The day after my birthday however D18 didnt check his mail until this past weekend. He did the I miss you guys and im proud of you crap that he always does. But one sentence (in his poor grammer/english skills) stood out. "maybe one day mom will feel like she can talk to me witch would be so nice. because i have questions.." That scares me to the bone! After 2.5 years he still has the grudge. I should know better.. he holds grudges better then anyone i have ever known!
Since that email i have been waking up in the middle of the night in a full out panic attack. Once i dreampt he was choking me and i woke up and could not breathe. I hate being alone when those come. I so wish i was not here by myself. I have not had them in awhile. Their scary. I get up and go check all the doors. Including the front door. I walk around the house a bit. Sit and read CNN. Then fall back into a coma eventually.
I have to get up in the morning.. i should go to bed....
Saturday, January 5
New Year - Yet again
We brought in the new year much like i have in many years past. We went to bed before the new year came in. We were so tired. In the past i would watch the children of friends or family while they went out to parties. That was missing from the welcoming of this new year. The 4 to 8 children sacked out in various spots in the house while their parents went out for the night. Just as well really. I had worked that morning and I'll tell you getting up at 430am to get to work for 6am sucks butt in a very big way. I used to be at work for 630am. I loved it. Who knows i may get used to it yet. We'll see how smooth things will go when D14 has to be woken up at oh-dark-stupid to get dropped off at her fathers so she can make it to school on time.
The new year so far has not brought much things that are new. I still feel that I'm getting screwed around at my job. One day they tell me I'm going to have my quality job back. The next they say they have no budget for it. In fact, the other day i was flat out told I'm not getting it back.
I guess what hurts my feelings the most is that they appear to have assigned someone to work on "building of the quality program" that seems to have NO experience with it. She seems like a nice person. She's really quiet, nearly shy. However, all I've seen her work on is the payroll/time off (or Iroz) things. It hurts that she is from another city (Rochester, NY) when they could draw on my experiences and i LIVE here. Eventually she will have to go away when her work visa expires.
Daily its getting harder to not storm into the two program manager's office and scream 'Do i have to sleep with someone to get noticed that i have experience for the past 4+ years in a call center quality role?!' But that is rude and obnoxious and it would embarrass daddy for me to act in such a way. So i don't.
I'm so sad and frustrated with that job. I hate it. As well from Sunday night to Thursday night (and recently on the days off too) i get sick in the night. Just wake up.. get my daily dose of CCD and try to go back to bed with a churning stomach and a sore bottom. No fun. Epically when the sore bottom comes from CCD!
I must say there is a Very Good thing that has happened recently. My brother has decided he wishes us in his life again. He as called every day since Wednesday and has come over both Thursday and Friday. He has even drove D18 to work both days this weekend. Wild crazy! Its good... but weird. He acts like nothing has happened in the last 4.5 years. That in itself is weird. However weird - it is nice to have him back. I just, for some reason, don't want him doing things for me. I don't know why.
I don't know if he will ever go back to talking to mum. That is the hardest part for me. I want to tell her - but i don't. If he never goes to her.. she'll be devastated. I guess if i never say anything she will never know...... i don't know.... its complicated.
Well I'm gonna go find something to do. I don't want to dwell on this new development. I'm just glad he's here trying to make it better. It could be worse... he could still be gone from my life.....
The new year so far has not brought much things that are new. I still feel that I'm getting screwed around at my job. One day they tell me I'm going to have my quality job back. The next they say they have no budget for it. In fact, the other day i was flat out told I'm not getting it back.
I guess what hurts my feelings the most is that they appear to have assigned someone to work on "building of the quality program" that seems to have NO experience with it. She seems like a nice person. She's really quiet, nearly shy. However, all I've seen her work on is the payroll/time off (or Iroz) things. It hurts that she is from another city (Rochester, NY) when they could draw on my experiences and i LIVE here. Eventually she will have to go away when her work visa expires.
Daily its getting harder to not storm into the two program manager's office and scream 'Do i have to sleep with someone to get noticed that i have experience for the past 4+ years in a call center quality role?!' But that is rude and obnoxious and it would embarrass daddy for me to act in such a way. So i don't.
I'm so sad and frustrated with that job. I hate it. As well from Sunday night to Thursday night (and recently on the days off too) i get sick in the night. Just wake up.. get my daily dose of CCD and try to go back to bed with a churning stomach and a sore bottom. No fun. Epically when the sore bottom comes from CCD!
I must say there is a Very Good thing that has happened recently. My brother has decided he wishes us in his life again. He as called every day since Wednesday and has come over both Thursday and Friday. He has even drove D18 to work both days this weekend. Wild crazy! Its good... but weird. He acts like nothing has happened in the last 4.5 years. That in itself is weird. However weird - it is nice to have him back. I just, for some reason, don't want him doing things for me. I don't know why.
I don't know if he will ever go back to talking to mum. That is the hardest part for me. I want to tell her - but i don't. If he never goes to her.. she'll be devastated. I guess if i never say anything she will never know...... i don't know.... its complicated.
Well I'm gonna go find something to do. I don't want to dwell on this new development. I'm just glad he's here trying to make it better. It could be worse... he could still be gone from my life.....
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